Moving!

All afternoon, I've been packing my crap and loading it into my dad's car while he sits on my patio reading his Kindle.

Just wanted the whole internet to know about that.

In other news, my friend referred me to a BBC series called "Being Human" which is about a vampire, werewolf and ghost who live together and try to blend in with normal society. Based on the few episodes I was able to (TOTALLY LEGALLY) watch online, it is campy fun on the Torchwood level.

However, I have one strong objection. See if you can guess what it is based on this picture:


Dear Producers of Vampire-Related Media,

Despite what Twilight may have lead you to believe, vampires are allowed to comb and wash their fucking hair.

Observe:

Dracula


Barnabas Collins*


David Bowie!

Even in the 80s, vampires managed to have decent hair (Kiefer Sutherland's mullet in The Lost Boys totally worked in context**)!

Remember when Gary Oldman played Dracula, and he had a butt on his head? I once thought that was the low point in the history of vampire hair. But, thank you, Twilight, you have proved me wrong.

In conclusion, stop ruining vampires!***

I am too old to switch my allegiance to another preternatural species!

Love,
Kitty Pimms

*By the way, I discovered the other night that the cheesetacular 1990s revival of "Dark Shadows" is available to watch instantly on Netflix. It was the first TV show I ever watched ironically, learning sarcasm at the feet of the great Momma Pimms.

**IT TOTALLY DID

***The True Blood creative team is exempt. If you watch that show, I'm sure you know why they have a hair-related lifetime pass.

Another Open Letter

Dear iTunes,

It has come to my attention that you may not be sure of the definition of the word "sexy."



Please take a long, hard look at yourself, a long hard look at this, and mend your ways at once.

Love,
Kitty Pimms

P.S. You've also clearly confused McDreamy with McSteamy (Patrick's the sensitive one), and even Brad Pitt's most ardent admirers have got to be turned off by that Benjamin Button shit.

An Open Letter

Dear Giles from Buffy,*

What the crap are you doing in this Merlin abomination? I just tried to watch it and literally could not stand it for five minutes.

I mean, come on, man. You're Giles! Surely there's something British and classy that needs doing... Isn't there some Dickens adaptation you could be staring in?

You know what? I'm not even angry. I'm just disappointed.

And why, in this sort of production, do the grungy little marketplaces outside the castle always have a stand selling oddly shaped baskets? Were weird baskets really in such high demand among the peasants of pseudo-historical Britain? They don't seem to be useful for anything other than decor... Are these stands like the Ye Olde Pier One? And if so, how do they make any money, when the people are all starving and oppressed?

Seriously. Get it together, man.

Love,
Kitty Pimms

*Yes, I know you have a real name. Shut up.

An Open Letter

Dear Applebee's,

First, I don't really like you. Just want to get that out in the open. I think you're inferior to Chile's, Bennigan's and TGI Friday's, without even branching out from the crazy-crap-on-the-walls chain restaurant category. Oh, I like Ruby Tuesday's better too, but that's just because of the salad bar.

But I write not to hate on you, Applebee's. In fact, I really hope we can get along, considering that on weekdays you're the only place in town that's open after rehearsal. And those $3 Long Island's you offer really hit the spot, though sometimes you go a little too heavy on the sour mix. Plus, you still allow smoking in your bar.

You're not all bad, Applebee's. To be honest, I was a little touched to see that the big round booth in the corner, the one with all the local sports teams' memorobilia on the walls, hadn't changed since last summer. We had some good times in that booth, like the time rehearsal went long, and we got there just before last call and ordered like three drinks apiece.

Yes, the booth was the same, the drink specials and half-priced appetizers were just the way I remembered them, but something wasn't quite right, and I think we both know what it was.

What happened to the Vaguely Asian Sauce for the boneless wings? Forgive me for not being able to recall its exact name, but what I do recall was how well it complimented those fried balls of mostly-batter you call wings, and that it came with a wasabi-flavoured dipping sauce for the celery sticks that was also quite tasty. In fact, the only two things on the menu I have any desire to eat are Vaguely Asian Wings and the shrimp and spinach salad, which I can never actually get because you're always out of shrimp by the time I arrive. Where does that leave me, Applebee's? Hungry. And resentful.

So, here's how this is going to work. You bring back the Vaguely Asian Boneless Wings and I promise to stop unfavorably comparing you to The Ground Round. I'll also, maybe, try to keep the other people in my party from loudly making obscene double-entendres, because even at 11:30 p.m., I know you're a family restaurant. But they are actors, so I can't promise anything.

With Grudging Tolerance,
Kitty Pimms

P.S. You know what's funny? You call yourself a "neighborhood bar and grill" but I have never once seen an Applebee's anywhere that could be accurately described as a neighborhood. Perhaps you should consider replacing "neighborhood" with "strip mall" "just off the highway" or "office park," for the sake of accuracy.

Just a Little Note

Dear denizens of The Internet,

Please do a little research to better understand your right to "freedom of speech."

Someone expressing an opinion contrary to yours is not infringing on your human rights, even if that expression includes advising you to shut the fuck up. 

Other things that in no way threaten your freedom of speech include having your comment blocked, pointing out that your language is racist/sexist/anythingist, not finding you amusing, calling you a jackdouche or an assbag or whatever the kids are calling each other these days.

I, a random internet user, have no power to prevent you, another random internet user, from expressing your idiocy. So don't worry, fartnozzles. Your voices will always be heard.

Love,

Kitty Pimms

Just A Little Note, A Couple of Days Late

Dear America,

Please stop bitching about having to pay taxes. It's part of living in a society. Get over it.

Love and kisses,
Kitty Pimms