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I have many hands

Let's talk about clothes for a little minute.

I have a love/hate relationship with American Apparel.

On one hand, their designs are so simple I could pretty easily recreate most of their products on my sewing machine, which makes it hard to pay so much for them.

On the other hand, almost everything I buy there I wear constantly, so I guess I'm getting my money's worth.

On the other hand, they play loud and obnoxious music in their stores, which are frequented by assholes.

On the other hand, I just bought this skirt online for $9.

On the other hand, I have a compulsion to buy everything I like in multiple colors, even though I don't really need to. Who needs two circle scarves? My foolish heart is trying to tell me that I do, because olive is a better spring/summer color than black and would flatter my eyes and make everyone fall in love with me.

On the other hand, their clothes aren't made by exploited children.

On the other hand, I once wrote of their adds: "Why do they feel the need to put even their men's clothes onto naked, unwashed women? 'Observe how sexy this shirt will look on your bar skank the next morning, as she wanders around your apartment, glassy-eyed and still half-drugged, wondering what you to did to her last night and where her panties are.'"

On the other hand, I wish I had $50 to spend on their vintage sunglasses. I'd also buy one of those floppy hats, if I had the means.

On the other hand, this is not a dress:

And no sane person would ever walk around like that. Therefore, the ENTIRE SLIDESHOW of this young lady contorting herself to better show off her parts on your website is CREEPY. Shut up, American Apparel.

But on the other hand, it may just be the fact that I was playing Rock Band in Michigan until 3 a.m., slept on a couch, and then spent four hours on the road back to Chicago, but this "Thank You for Ordering" picture is actually kind of cute.

"It's alright, if you like Easter Parades..."

Happy Easter!


Other than this song, I think the songs with/about Judy Garland are way lamer than the Anne Miller songs... "It Only Happens When I Dance With You"! That red dress beats the pants off Judy Garland dressed like a cute hobo.

And here I am in my Easter bonnet...

Sushi Shirt

Is it cool to get sushi while wearing this shirt?



It seems a little tacky or dorky, like wearing a band's t-shirt to their concert... though maybe that is cool now, I haven't been to a concert of "young people music" in like three years

But I have to get my weekly grocery store sushi! It's the Saturday lunch of champions.

Retail Therapy, It Works! (posted 3/13/09)

I heard Old Navy* was having a sale on dresses, so I went and bought some and now I don’t hate my life so much anymore. It’s cheaper than real therapy!

I also had the following encounter with an employee.

Me: (minding her own business) Do dee do do, browse browse browse... 

Him: (whispering) Do you have the coupon?

Me: Guh?

Him: (with odd intensity) The coupon! 30% off! I happen to have one (reaches into pants pocket) right here... If you can answer one question correctly... Are you a Cubs fan or a Sox fan?

Me: (sensing “I don’t give a care” is not correct) Uh... the Cubs?

Him: (unduly congratulatory) Correct! Now, do you have a boyfriend?

Me: No... (as I say this, I hear the voice of Bill Murray in Ghostbusters yelling “When a creepy guy asks you if you have a boyfriend you say YES!”)

Him: Well, it’s good all weekend, so he could use it too... But only if he’s a Cubs fan!

Me: (jocular, confused as to how she acquired this fake, coupon-sharing boyfriend) As if I’d date anyone who wasn’t!

Fin.

I have this strange mental block where, though I’m accomplished at randomly lying to strangers for fun and profit (maybe not something I should admit on the internet?), when some weirdo asks if I’m seeing someone, I’m never on the ball enough to make one up. I usually end up doing exactly the same thing I did above; blurting out no and hearing Dr. Venkman reproach me in my head. And then, usually, the weirdo starts hitting on me, and I wait for an opening to tell him I’m actually gay, which never, ever actually shuts him up.

However, that did not happen today, and the coupon did basically make one of my dresses free, so whoo-hoo!

I got to say, its pretty awesome that long empire-waist dresses are In Style these days (I refuse to call them “maxi-dresses” because eww.). It’s a look that has many advantages for me; wearable in all temperatures, easily transitions from day to evening, comfy, allows one to actively play with children with little chance of accidentally exposing cooter/buttocks, and, best of all, the empire waist draws attention to the face-boob area (my best area).


*I know, I know, the child labour. I’m an evil, evil consumer. But I’m also cheap, and, besides being expensive, more ‘ethical’ clothing retailers tend not to carry much that fits me. So I’m going to go with the old “make it easier to buy and I’ll buy it” excuse.

And, I also acknowledge how wrong and creepy those moving mannequin mascots are. They are unpleasant to look at, and also the whole “buy this dress so he’ll marry you” thing is verily fucked up, even without the dismemberment.

I just tried to find that commercial to embed (In case you’re lucky enough to have missed it), but it doesn’t seem to be on Youtube. Basically, a boy mannequin is so impressed by girl mannequin’s cute sundress that he proposes to her. But when he tries to put the ring on, her finger falls off (quel faux pas!). Luckily, he takes off his own finger and gives it to her. True love!

Okay, now I’m starting to feel bad about my new dresses. Shut up, brain!

UPDATE (2/23): Shakesville has a nice little rant about how awful these commercials are.