An Open Letter

Dear Applebee's,

First, I don't really like you. Just want to get that out in the open. I think you're inferior to Chile's, Bennigan's and TGI Friday's, without even branching out from the crazy-crap-on-the-walls chain restaurant category. Oh, I like Ruby Tuesday's better too, but that's just because of the salad bar.

But I write not to hate on you, Applebee's. In fact, I really hope we can get along, considering that on weekdays you're the only place in town that's open after rehearsal. And those $3 Long Island's you offer really hit the spot, though sometimes you go a little too heavy on the sour mix. Plus, you still allow smoking in your bar.

You're not all bad, Applebee's. To be honest, I was a little touched to see that the big round booth in the corner, the one with all the local sports teams' memorobilia on the walls, hadn't changed since last summer. We had some good times in that booth, like the time rehearsal went long, and we got there just before last call and ordered like three drinks apiece.

Yes, the booth was the same, the drink specials and half-priced appetizers were just the way I remembered them, but something wasn't quite right, and I think we both know what it was.

What happened to the Vaguely Asian Sauce for the boneless wings? Forgive me for not being able to recall its exact name, but what I do recall was how well it complimented those fried balls of mostly-batter you call wings, and that it came with a wasabi-flavoured dipping sauce for the celery sticks that was also quite tasty. In fact, the only two things on the menu I have any desire to eat are Vaguely Asian Wings and the shrimp and spinach salad, which I can never actually get because you're always out of shrimp by the time I arrive. Where does that leave me, Applebee's? Hungry. And resentful.

So, here's how this is going to work. You bring back the Vaguely Asian Boneless Wings and I promise to stop unfavorably comparing you to The Ground Round. I'll also, maybe, try to keep the other people in my party from loudly making obscene double-entendres, because even at 11:30 p.m., I know you're a family restaurant. But they are actors, so I can't promise anything.

With Grudging Tolerance,
Kitty Pimms

P.S. You know what's funny? You call yourself a "neighborhood bar and grill" but I have never once seen an Applebee's anywhere that could be accurately described as a neighborhood. Perhaps you should consider replacing "neighborhood" with "strip mall" "just off the highway" or "office park," for the sake of accuracy.